Well, I was supposed to start Monday, but it is being bumped to the 19th. Not happy.
holy shit, yesterday was miserable. i fucking cried all day long, even when i got home. i was shaking and having panic attacks and everything. i finally worked up the nerve to call my mother at work and it turns out that the social worker did call her. he also said to her that we have to go to court about it and he didn't say anything about that to me. i was livid. but anyway, i called her and, to my surprise, she was actually sympathetic. i didn't even know what to do. i was so fucking relieved! i was thinking to myself that there is no way that i could get this lucky, but apparently i am because everything has been fine. my mom's kinda been checking up on me a lot more because of my "emotional state" but other than that, its been just fine. i got to hang out with shan last night and she gave me liquor, so its all good.^___^ but anyway, i'm suppose to be getting a new cell phone this weekend. hopefully one with a camera. i'm about the only person on the face of the planet that doesn't have a picture phone. well, thats pretty unrealistic, but i still think i should have one! what if i got in a car accident and i need to take pictures? i mean come on! XD my stuff that i ordered off the internet better come in today. its been backordered and i'm really getting upset about it. i don't want to have to wait until monday to get it!! it was supposed to come in with my other stuff like 2 weeks ago! ugh... whatever. its so stupid cause its only a keychain and a cell phone charm. wtf? why i have to wait for a package so small for so long is beyond me. damn them! okay. i think i'm done now.
老马的故事
读完诸子百家，我和敦敦开始在早餐时间研读中国历史故事，翻开历史每一页，都有东西可以学。每天十分钟，只读一两页，加上我们娘俩即兴的讨论，几个月下来，这家产历史本科就毕业了，好赖在我们家，这种文凭会得到充分的认可。
今天读到'老马识途'，齐桓公联燕抗击山戎，被敌人引进迷谷，管仲心生一计，让当地的老马在前面走，结果老马领着众人走出了迷谷。我问敦敦明白其中含义吗？敦敦思考片刻，迸出一句，这几匹老马是为自己的生存而走出迷谷，救齐燕大军只是顺便办的事。
我愣了一愣，是啊，一般人只想要取得效果，并未考虑到老马的动机，这一计，管仲高就高在把动机和效果分开来。任何动物在面临生存挑战的当口都会发挥出最大潜能。管仲不能先给老马们上一堂舍己救人的课，让它们高风亮节地带队。但管仲知道在关键时刻很好地利用老马的经验和老马求生的本能。
话说回来，马，确实是很有灵性的动物，记得我小时候，喜欢到部队大院的生产班跟猪马牛羊玩，生产班养着五六匹老马，这五六匹马都是有'军纪'的，还有粮本，他们不用干活，部队里派专门的饲养员照顾它们到终老。我问过爸爸，他们为何享受如此的特殊待遇，爸爸告诉我，他们都是立过战功的战马。部队里有规定，解放后这些老战马就不用干活了，部队会用一级粮草伺候到它死，还会按规格葬了它们。我问他们立过啥战功，爸爸说，他们在战场上都有出色的表现，有的是冒着枪林弹雨运输军饷物资，部队赢得了胜利，但很多战马却负了弹伤或致残。有个战马还救了一名军长的命， 军长负重伤倒地，它不肯丢下主人自己逃命，它在军长身边跪下，待军长爬上马背后，拼命突出重围。我不觉伸出小手一遍遍地抚摸着这些老马的头，对这些共和国的功臣心生敬意。
一天夜里，生产班的小狗挠开了班长的门，班长醒了，但一切都太晚了，一场大火，把这五六匹老战马全都活活烧死在马厩里了，听到这突如其来的不幸消息，我一阵狂跑，到了马厩，呈现在我眼前的是惨不忍睹的一幕，被烧糊的老马们身上布满了做最后挣扎后留下的伤痕，皮开肉绽，我顿时两眼酸涩觉得眼前模糊一片，心里像堵了一大块石头，难过了好多天。时值今天，我闭上眼睛，仍旧清晰地记得30多年前的那痛苦的一幕。
不论在战火硝烟，还是在和平岁月里，马都为人类承担了许多，马是人类真正的朋友。
Have you ever felt like you were making the same mistake over and over again? Felt no matter what you choose you always chose the wrong option. As soon as your life beings to look up it all falls apart again? This would be how my life is. I am pretty sure that I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I had an amazing boyfriend, named David,that would do anything for me. Me and him just broke up. We broke up because I said I wasn't ready for the relationship. Out of no where I am missing my ex, his name is Brent. I miss him so much and I have no clue why. Brent never was the perfect boyfriend in any of my friends eyes but to me he was. I know he still loves me. Right now I have no clue how I feel. I am still totally shocked that me and David just broke up. I think that I really hurt him. I hate even thinking that I have hurt someone else. Everyone is going to call me crazy for what I did. And right now I will agree.I need to figure out why I was so unhappy with David. I need to kno why I miss Brent so much. Why my life always ends up being so confusing. UGH!!!
Things are getting a little clearer as I continue detoxing. It's been soooo hard and I want so badly for it to be over with. I hear that it gets easier after the first 36 hours, but I am not finding that to be the case. I can't sleep, can't get comfortable, and feel like my body is going to give out. All I can do is keep going. I am so very thankful that I have my husband to support me. I don't know what I would do without him. I try to look toward the future and imagine what a life without drugs will be like. I haven't known for a long time how to live sober. I can't even remember the last time I enjoyed anything without being high. Isn't that sad? I have so much to live for yet it all seems so far away. I don't know if I will be able to do this or not. Anyone have any suggestions for me? I would be grateful for any advice.
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